I'm soooo deep in the mudd....
Mood:  don't ask
Like it says, I am so down.
The whole Brian thing made me realize how
alone I am.
What's this life for?
How long do I have to do this?

I can't really talk this to anybody
since I'm supposed to be doing alright.
But I bet people knows it.
I get so tense around people.
Not just that.
I get so tense 30min after waking up,
by the expectation of....life.

I had been working towards the u.s. college
thing for pretty much all my life.
and now it's not going as good as I hoped.
I am thinking of getting outta alabama,
but not sure if it'll change a thing.

you can't really worry over things that's
THAT extraordinary.
but I can't help it.
I'm so back to how I used to be 8 months ago,
except I had hope.

I wanna scream!!!!!
and the unresolved business with Brian drives
me nuts!
I really gotta get over this.

Still obsessed? Yes, I am.
Mood:  silly
I still am waiting for a phonecall.
I haven't talked to him in 5 days.
He must be studying for the final.
Or having a blast with buddies of his.

As for me, I'm hanging on to anything that reminds
me of him.

Such as listening to this radio station from
Louisville, KY with oldies.
Looking at this car report paper that I took
mistakenly.
I would look out for cars that's even remotely
resembles of his.

Bet he's talking to Elizabeth or Susan or
whoever.

Damn, I really need a closure.
But I am a chicken, even though I am sure
it'll feel a lot better to end rather than
wondering what could happen etc.
God it hurts soooo bad.

I cannot take this.....
Mood:  crushed out
Topic: Heartache
OH MY GOD.....
It's been like since... the day started liking
the guy.

I am constanly in heartache, literally.
Of course, a headache too.
I don't know what to do anymore.
Sometimes I don't even like him, and that could
be my true feeling.
Cause I can count up dozens of things I don't
like about him.

It could be that I don't wanna be alone,
or he's sooo smart that my survival instinct is
kicking in, like..."I'm not gonna have to
worry about starving" or whatever.
that could be, that could be.

Plus, his crowds, I cannot blend with.
I'm such a dork and a shy girl that I feel
so left out.
And last but not least.
Liz and Elizabeth, or the girls from the
past and the future.
He's got so many things going on.
I know that jelous girls aren't attractive,
but I can't help it.
Besides, "we're not boyfriend-girlfriend,
so it's not cheating if I date somebody else"
I was like..."would ya?" I didn't say it
out loud though.
He talks to Elizabeth on the phone, with whom
I thought he was flirting on the rodeo day.
How come the rule or his rule doesn't allow me
to be pissed about that?
I guess it's because I am supposed to take things
more lightly, which I cannot do once
I start having a feeling for the person.


He messes up my head so much for making
such a big deal about tiny stuff and
not so tiny stuff.
He does not let things go.
Says wrong things at the wrong time.

I'm not saying that he's the one at fault at all.
In fact, I realized in this occasion that
I am so fucked up.
Incapable of loving and showing affection.

I get so scared and say things that doesn't
make any sense.
I get so nervous to mess up whatever that's going
on.
He says I worry too much.

I went out of town from Friday and came back
this morning, which is Sunday.
I thought it'd help the healing process.

But he called me up right before I left
to ask me to a beer-pong, but very likely
because of the pregnancy thing,
which I totally forgot about until then.

Oh, I still haven't got my period yet.
It's almost 2 weeks late now, but I've been so
stressed out so that may be it.

Anyways.
Guess where I went to this weekend.
Owensboro, KY. Yes, that's his hometown.
I'm soooo obsessed. Psycho, if you wanna do
a name-calling.

I went to Memphis, TN at first.
It's a huuuuge city!
What I thought instantly was "I wanna move here!"
I just love being on the road, which is
my nature.
I don't know why, but it's been like that
since I got my scooter when I was 16, I guess.

And Melinda recommended me to go to Chatanooga
or wherever to see the mountain etc...
but I just loooove seeing towns, buildings
instead.
That's a towngirl in me from living in Tokyo
for all these years.

When I got to Memphis on Saturday afternoon,
I didn't wanna go home just yet.

Well well.... I went back to Nashville,
then Interstate 65 to the road with pay tolls.
You pay $.50, then $.20, $40, $60.
I was like..."Okie....that was fun."

Apparently, there are a lot of radio stations
that plays oldies in KY.
Found the route of his inclination towards
oldies.

Owensboro, KY was the prettiest town I've ever
seen in the states.
I thought like... "It's soo pretty I could cry!"
It's got this old fashioned taste with a warmness.
I did soooo wish I was with him so that I
could get to know the town better.
what I did was to just drive around for a bit,
went into wal-mart and leave.


It's like.... "I was supposed to forget about
him and get myself out of this misery!"
I would've if he didn't call me right before!

He'd always call even though I was soo sure that
it is over.
Plus, we had discussed about this arrangement which
is to be casual until I come back here after the
summer and pick it up after that.

I doubt if he'd even consider not dating
Liz or whoever during the summer.
Cause he's such a flirt.
She's even asking for it too.

Although we do sooo feel like we're not compatible
at all, I cannot stop feeling if there is a
chance we could start over.
and that we could be perfect for each other.

cause he can be such a sweet guy, if not the
sweetest guy I've ever known.

Ugggggh money...
Mood:  irritated
Do you know my biggest headache is,
at the moment?
I tell ya what it is.
MONEY, just like everybody else(or maybe cute
guys or cloths, in your case :P)
My first tuition is due on this Friday,
which I can pay and I will soon.
Hanve't got the time.
But that'll leave me only a few grand.
I'm doooomed, I know!

I was gonna take classes on summer, cause
I heard the classes are easier.
Hmmmm.But It's not like I can earn money until
the fall semester.
Cause int'l students can't work off-campus.
That means low wage.
I'll be ...homeless! What the hell am I gonna do?

You might wonder, why the hell I came here in
the first place if I knew that the money will
run out that soon.
Well, I'm 23 years old.Been saving up money forever.
It was like ...now or never. I really really wanted
to come here.move forward.

I might gonna be eligible for scholarship or
tuition waiver.
But you won't be even considered untill
you get a GPA. GRRRRRRRR....phew.